In The Us Factor, Dr. Melnick talks about a sure way to cause your partner not to trust you. It’s called “The Yes…But”, and basically it goes like this: You start out saying something positive, then follow it up with something negative. Here are a couple of examples:
“Honey, I really liked the way you paid the bills this month, but I like to pay the car payment before I pay the credit card bill”.
Or “You did a great job helping little Jimmy with his homework tonight, but I wish you didn’t work so much so you could help him every night”.
Do you see how the second half of the sentence negates the first half? When you talk like that to someone, and if it gets to be a habit, the other person will become “in tune” to listening to the negative part, and not even hear the positive. They’ll feel that they are being manipulated, and a lot of time that’s true.
Some people feel that they need to start a difficult conversation with a positive statement, so that they don’t let the other person down too hard:
“You’re really a good person, but I can’t live with you anymore”. Ouch!
One way a couple can ease themselves into uncomfortable discussions is to prepare the ground. Ask your partner when they’ll be willing to set down and talk about a concern you have. Don’t surprise them with it.
In order to make a relationship work, you need to separate the good from the bad, or they’ll get mixed up. If you like the way your spouse did something, tell them. “I really like how you arranged the living room furniture”. If you don’t like it, then say “I don’t really like the furniture this way. Can we sit down and talk about it?”
Be prepared to give examples, but don’t blame or shame. Always speak with compassion and use “I feel” statements, and things will go much better. And remember – keep the positive and the negative separate!
Filed under Dr. Joseph Melnick, Marriage, Marriage Tips, Relationship habits, The Us Factor Review 
- One of the things that Dr. Melnick talks about in the Us Factor is staying on your own side of the line, or as our counselor says, staying on your own side of the street. Here’s an example of what this means, taken from our life just this morning!
One thing Matt and I have learned is how to stay off each other’s side of the street. Let me explain.
This morning I was going to go for a walk and was deciding if I should take my cell phone, our constantly ringing business line. I asked my honey when he was going to shower because if he wasn’t going to until I came back, he could answer the phone, otherwise it was coming with me. He said “right away” and I said “ok I will take my phone”. Then (pay attention here) he said “well I can wait until you get back and answer your phone.”
Now that all sounds like he’s being kind, right? Wrong. I didn’t ask him to make my decision, I just needed facts so I could make it. If I decided I really didn’t want to take my phone, I would have then asked him (hopefully as I struggle with being passive/aggressive!!!) if he would mind waiting. His telling me to go was being on my side of the street and I felt like I was being parented.
Thankfully, we backed up, laughed and I asked him if he wouldn’t mind waiting. And he graciously agreed. He also could have asked me if I wanted him to wait, still my decision. We’re all adults here!
Filed under Dr. Joseph Melnick, Marriage, Marriage Tips, Relationship habits, The Us Factor Review
As we work through the Us Factor Program, I thought it would be useful to write a little review of the Workbook, so you know what that particular piece of the program is like.
The workbook is 232 pages, and it contains recaps or summaries of every one of the DVD sessions. It shows pictures of the different couples that are featured in the session, and it has a transcript of the dialogue between them. In addition, it also summarizes Dr. Melnick’s advice on the particular subject.
The one thing that the workbook has that the DVD’s don’t have is what he calls “Awareness Exercises”. At the end of most sections is a little exercise for the couple to do so they can internalize the lesson.
For example, there is a section called “Top Dog – Underdog” that concerns two roles that partners take in a relationship. One partner takes on the role of the organizer, the planner, the one who makes things happen. This is the “top dog”, the responsible one who focuses on shoulds and should nots, the rule maker. The other partner is the Underdog – the one who doesn’t follow the rules and wants quick fun and satisfaction.
The lesson in the workbook describes this kind of behavior, it shows a transcript of a couple acting this out, and has an awareness exercise. In the exercise, the couple sits across from each other, and they have a conversation in which one becomes the “top dog” and the other becomes the “underdog”. The top dog talks about the “shoulds” and “should nots” and stays primarily focused on the future. The underdog talks about the “I wants” and the “let’s do’s” and focuses mainly on the present. Once you’ve had the conversation for a little while, you talk about how it feels to be in that role.
Then, you reverse the roles and have a conversation in the opposite role, and after that discuss what it was like to reverse the roles.
I really like this part of the workbook, because it gives you a chance to “role play” and see how the other person feels.
It almost seems to me that you could just go through the workbook and not have to watch the DVD’s except for one very important thing: it’s good to see the couples interact in person, as it helps you to relate to what’s going on. Plus, Dr. Melnick goes into more detail in the DVD lesson. Therefore, I think it’s important while going through The Us Factor to follow his instructions, that is to watch the DVD, then go through that section of the workbook that pertains to the DVD, doing the awareness exercises as you encounter them.
One of the things that has probably helped our marriage more than anything is something very simple – Friday Night Date Night! If you’ve got kids, it’s important – no, it’s necessary – to have some alone time with your husband or wife. Unfortunately, that’s not always the easiest thing in the world – with the cost of going out on a date, plus having to pay a babysitter. Here’s the solution we’ve come up with, and it’s worked for us for many years.
We have five kids, ranging from 15 down to 9 years of age. We also happen to have some friends in a similar situation – they’ve got five also, though their range is a little younger. That’s the key to this whole system – friends in the same boat as you.
How’s it work?
What we do is quite simple – every Friday, one couple or the other has a date night. We alternate Fridays, and believe me, we very rarely miss. This is the way it works: On our date night, Julie will take the kids over to our friends’ house at 5:30. Kathlyn feeds the kids dinner – a big pot of spaghetti or something. After that, the kids will play with each other until about 9 when Kat brings them home to our house and puts them to bed, while Jeff puts their kids to bed. Then, Kathlyn will stay at our house until we get home, which is basically whenever we want to. When we get home, Kat goes home. The next week, we switch and they get their date night.
What’s the big deal?
This might seem really simple, but there is genius and beauty in the whole plan. Sometimes the best things are simple, right? Here are the reasons it works so well:
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You don’t have the problem of the babysitter bailing at the last minute – we never bail, because we know that our date night the next week depends on us taking them this week!
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You don’t have to pay the babysitter. 6 hours for 5 kids can run into some serious change.
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You don’t have to worry about having super-nanny for a babysitter – it’s pretty tough for a 13-year-old to handle 5 kids – but when you put the 2 families together they kind of babysit each other, and it’s not nearly as hard as it seems. Plus, we’ve got the experience to do it!
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Your babysitter doesn’t grow up and stop babysitting. Nothing worse than training a babysitter, only to have her get a boyfriend, or a life, and decide she’s out of the business.
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You don’t have to worry about phone calls. Stressing about what’s going on at home can suck the fun out of a date faster than you can say “Help!!!!”.
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You don’t have to take the babysitter home, or worse yet go get the kids at midnight, bring them home and put them to bed. Don’t I love looking forward to that when I’m having that romantic dinner with Julie!
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The house is always clean when we get here, since the kids weren’t here all night. So no getting up on Saturday to throw away pizza boxes and pop cans.
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Here’s a perk for the other mom – once Kat puts the kids to bed, she gets a little alone time – the chance to brew a big cup of tea and read a book or watch her favorite show.
So what now?
It’s getting to the point where the older ones can babysit the younger ones, but there are still the inevitable “Mom! Bobby won’t let me play Wii” phone calls, so we’ve stuck with our plan. Personally, I hope it goes on forever – at least until that last little monster (I mean bundle of joy) is out of the house!
So if you’re looking for a way to have some alone time with your honey, find another couple that’s as desperate as you and have them read this article!
Filed under Marriage, Marriage Tips
