In The Us Factor, Dr. Melnick talks about a sure way to cause your partner not to trust you. It’s called “The Yes…But”, and basically it goes like this: You start out saying something positive, then follow it up with something negative. Here are a couple of examples:
“Honey, I really liked the way you paid the bills this month, but I like to pay the car payment before I pay the credit card bill”.
Or “You did a great job helping little Jimmy with his homework tonight, but I wish you didn’t work so much so you could help him every night”.
Do you see how the second half of the sentence negates the first half? When you talk like that to someone, and if it gets to be a habit, the other person will become “in tune” to listening to the negative part, and not even hear the positive. They’ll feel that they are being manipulated, and a lot of time that’s true.
Some people feel that they need to start a difficult conversation with a positive statement, so that they don’t let the other person down too hard:
“You’re really a good person, but I can’t live with you anymore”. Ouch!
One way a couple can ease themselves into uncomfortable discussions is to prepare the ground. Ask your partner when they’ll be willing to set down and talk about a concern you have. Don’t surprise them with it.
In order to make a relationship work, you need to separate the good from the bad, or they’ll get mixed up. If you like the way your spouse did something, tell them. “I really like how you arranged the living room furniture”. If you don’t like it, then say “I don’t really like the furniture this way. Can we sit down and talk about it?”
Be prepared to give examples, but don’t blame or shame. Always speak with compassion and use “I feel” statements, and things will go much better. And remember – keep the positive and the negative separate!
Filed under Dr. Joseph Melnick, Marriage, Marriage Tips, Relationship habits, The Us Factor Review 
One of the relationship habits that Dr. Joseph Melnick talks about The Us Factor is “characterizations”. Characterizing someone means “typecasting” them in a certain kind of role, and not allowing them to change. The example Dr. Melnick uses is how child actors are typecast as child actors, and it’s really hard for them to break out of that role. Once you see them a certain way, it’s hard to imagine them playing any other role. Bob Denver comes to mind to me (I know, I’m dating myself, but I’m sure some of you remember!) Once he had the role of Gilligan, it’s hard to see him in any other role, especially a serious one. He was typecast as Gilligan.
One of the things that we do as couples is typecast our husband or wife and not look at them as they are today. When was the last time you really looked at or heard your partner? That may sound silly, but I’ve noticed that unless I consciously make an effort to appreciate my wife, it’s easy to just go along, doing my daily things, and not really pay much attention to her.
Ecclesiastes 8:9
Recently, I was reading the book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible, and it struck me that this wasn’t the depressing, hopeless book that I thought it was in the past. I’d always kind of ignored it because I thought it was kind of a downer, really (sorry God!) However, as I read through it last month, I stumbled on the following verse:
Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun.
Now, I’m not exactly sure what this verse is supposed to mean, but the way I took it was just this: I’m to enjoy my wife, and my life, and to do to the best of my ability what God has given me to do. When I started thinking about it, I realized that I complain a lot, and don’t find joy in what God has given me. It helped me to start looking at Julie in a new way, in a way that I hadn’t seen her since we first met. I started noticing some things that attracted me to her that I’d been overlooking lately. Like her eyes – she has the most incredible eyes in the world, kind of a clear-gray-blue color that is absolutely breathtaking. Well, a few weeks ago I really took a close look at those eyes again, and thought “Wow! What a beautiful woman God has given me to share my life with!”
People Change
In the Us Factor, Dr. Melnick encourages us to realize that our partner is changing every day, and to not respond to your partner as they were 10 years ago – it’s not only wrong to do, it’s also inaccurate. People change. He encourages us to ask ourselves “How is my partner different today?” and notice what is different about them. Then, ask them questions about the things that you notice that are different. I think this is a great thing to try, and a good way to add some interest to your marriage again. Try it!
Filed under Dr. Joseph Melnick, Marriage, Relationship habits
We just watched the first actual training DVD for The Us Factor and we found it both interesting and helpful. First, here’s a little bit about what we learned about the program itself, then we’ll share our take on the actual content.
It appears that in the DVD’s, Dr. Melnick alternates between showing several different couples interacting in his office, and his review of what they talked about with an interviewer. This is a good format, because it allows the watchers to relate to what the couple on the DVD are saying, then hear what Dr. Melnick has to say about their problem. It appears to me that these are real couples, not just actors, though I can’t be sure of that. They are very believable.
First Things First
The way the course is set up is to watch the Day One DVD because it gives you an overview of the program and helps you learn some key concepts that will help you as you use the Us Factor and interact with your partner.
Or, if you’re having a particular problem in your relationship, such as conflicts about sexuality, money, or parenting, you can watch the DVD that addresses that issue. Otherwise, start from the beginning, which is what we did.
So here goes with highlights from DVD lesson 1A – Becoming Aware of the Habits in Your Relationship – Part 1.
This DVD addresses various habits in a relationship, and why it’s important to become aware of those habits. These are a few that are mentioned, and a little bit about them. I think he goes into more detail in later DVD’s about the individual habits, and gives you skills to better your relationship.
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Pursuer Distancer Relationship. This is the idea that one person pursues, and the other retreats, especially in the case of communicating. This is bad if it always goes one way, but good if it reverses sometimes.
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Me vs. We Relationship. There needs to be balance. It’s OK to put yourself first sometimes, just not all the time. Too much “we” on both sides equals no differentiation, which results in boredom. Dr. Melnick says an interesting thing that I’ve also heard in counseling. You have to fight or disagree sometimes. That’s all right, and working through the disagreements helps you to become closer to your partner. Our counselor said his hope for us was that we’d have 10,000 more fights! Because that’s how we get closer and feel safe, working through the arguments. It’s a trust thing – you will not hurt me in our disagreements.
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Projection. This means guessing what’s going on in your partner’s head. No good. Projection causes curiosity to dwindle. Also known as assumption.
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Lawyer’s questions. This is an interesting one that can be quite deadly for intimacy. It’s asking a question that you already know the answer to, or that can only be answered in one way – the way you want it to be. He recommends you stay on your side of the line (or my counselor says your side of the street). Only say things that you feel or know, ask feeling questions, and if it’s a difficult subject, negotiate the conversation – when, how, etc. – so you don’t just spring it on the other person. Julie used to believe that planning was boring, love and all that comes with it should be spontaneous to be romantic. She now sees how that is faulty thinking or what she refers to as “soap opera” mentality. Spontaneous has its place for sure, but so does planning in a healthy relationship.
This is just a small sample of what’s on DVD 1A. One phrase that really resonated with me was this: Relationships grow out of managing the hurt. I think that said a lot, and I’m looking forward to forging on through the Us Factor.
Filed under Books and Resources, Dr. Joseph Melnick, Marriage, The Us Factor Review
As we work through the Us Factor Program, I thought it would be useful to write a little review of the Workbook, so you know what that particular piece of the program is like.
The workbook is 232 pages, and it contains recaps or summaries of every one of the DVD sessions. It shows pictures of the different couples that are featured in the session, and it has a transcript of the dialogue between them. In addition, it also summarizes Dr. Melnick’s advice on the particular subject.
The one thing that the workbook has that the DVD’s don’t have is what he calls “Awareness Exercises”. At the end of most sections is a little exercise for the couple to do so they can internalize the lesson.
For example, there is a section called “Top Dog – Underdog” that concerns two roles that partners take in a relationship. One partner takes on the role of the organizer, the planner, the one who makes things happen. This is the “top dog”, the responsible one who focuses on shoulds and should nots, the rule maker. The other partner is the Underdog – the one who doesn’t follow the rules and wants quick fun and satisfaction.
The lesson in the workbook describes this kind of behavior, it shows a transcript of a couple acting this out, and has an awareness exercise. In the exercise, the couple sits across from each other, and they have a conversation in which one becomes the “top dog” and the other becomes the “underdog”. The top dog talks about the “shoulds” and “should nots” and stays primarily focused on the future. The underdog talks about the “I wants” and the “let’s do’s” and focuses mainly on the present. Once you’ve had the conversation for a little while, you talk about how it feels to be in that role.
Then, you reverse the roles and have a conversation in the opposite role, and after that discuss what it was like to reverse the roles.
I really like this part of the workbook, because it gives you a chance to “role play” and see how the other person feels.
It almost seems to me that you could just go through the workbook and not have to watch the DVD’s except for one very important thing: it’s good to see the couples interact in person, as it helps you to relate to what’s going on. Plus, Dr. Melnick goes into more detail in the DVD lesson. Therefore, I think it’s important while going through The Us Factor to follow his instructions, that is to watch the DVD, then go through that section of the workbook that pertains to the DVD, doing the awareness exercises as you encounter them.
One of the books we read several years ago was The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. The information we gained from The Five Love Languages has been very useful to us over the years because of the fact that it’s unlocked the secret of not only how Julie and I like to be loved, but also how we like to give love, which may or may not be the same way.
What are the Five Languages of Love?
The five languages of love are time, service, gifts, words, and touch. One of these “languages” is how each and every one of us feels loved and accepted. Sometimes, we can be “bi-lingual”, having 2 languages that are equally dominate, but not usually. What’s interesting is that sometimes it’s kind of hard to discern what exactly someone’s love language is. Let me give you an example…
Last month was Julie’s 50th birthday. I wanted to do something special for her and got together with her mom to come up with the plan of going to Pullman on Valentine’s Day for a Cougar Basketball Game. This was to be a time together for her and me with no kids allowed. I thought “what a great gift” and was super excited to give it to her. We had the whole weekend planned – game tickets, hotel, dinner, the works. Except for one very important detail – child care arrangements. I figured “no big deal”, I’d figure that out after I gave her the gift.
Well, although she liked the gift, it wasn’t perfect because of the fact that she had those child care issues hanging over her head. And that didn’t allow her to get excited. I had trouble understanding this, because my love language is time, and this was a gift that really spoke to that. Only problem – it wasn’t my present, it was hers! Sometimes, people give love in the same language as they receive love, and that doesn’t always work if the other person doesn’t have the same love language as you.
The Us Factor
We’ve recently been listening to the Us Factor by Dr. Joseph Melnick, a new marriage program designed to help make a marriage better (or save it altogether). One of the things Dr. Melnick encourages in his program is to really listen to your partner, and that’s exactly what I did.
We went out on date night, and had a good time. Toward the end of the evening, Julie said she wanted to talk to me about the birthday present, and I agreed to try, without getting too defensive. I tend to get childish sometimes when I think I’ve made a mistake, and I didn’t want to do that. As we talked through the issue, we came to the realization that although Julie also has the love language of time, she has one that is more important to her. What we determined was that it’s was very important for the child-care problem to be addressed, and that she didn’t have to do it for her to feel loved. I still didn’t quite get it, so I asked her what would have been a perfect gift.
The Perfect Gift
She thought for a minute, and said she really enjoyed it when we went out to dinner on her birthday night. I took the night off from work, and had all the kids get dressed up. We made a big deal out of it, and she didn’t have to do anything. The conclusion we came up with was that service seems to be her main love language, with time a close second. Service, in the way of someone sacrificing for her, as in me taking the time off and the kids getting dressed up. To prove that further, I had cleaned her car inside and out earlier that day (no small chore with 5 messy kids) and that really gave her that warm, fuzzy feeling.
So now, thanks to Dr. Melnick and The Five Love Languages, we know a little more about each other, and how to love each other up! I found this little five love languages test if you’re interested in trying to discover what your love language is. Plus, I highly recommend getting the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and working through it with your spouse.
Filed under Books and Resources, Gifts, Marriage, The Five Love Languages
