Should you fight with your spouse? How about 10,000 Fights?

CoupleI’ve been married twice. The first time I was married, I never had a fight with my spouse. Never. Our marriage ended up in divorce after 5 years, with infidelity, alcohol, and drugs contributing to the problem. I’m not saying that it wouldn’t have happened if we had fought often, but one thing I know for sure – it’s not only healthy, but necessary to have fights with your spouse.

I’m not saying physical fights – that’s never appropriate, obviously. What I am saying is that a good argument at least once a week is necessary to the sustained growth and closeness of a marriage.

That doesn’t make sense, you say? Well, not only did I hear this from a marriage program I’ve recently been watching, but I also heard it from a counselor we’ve seen over the years. In fact, he says he would like to see us have 10,000 more fights!

What??? 10,000 fights??? I couldn’t believe it when he told us that! This was right after a two or three day argument my wife and I had been having, and at that point I felt like I’d been dragged through a knothole. And here was this smart-aleck counselor telling me he thought we should go through this 10,000 more times. Great.

Well, I’m starting to see what he means, I think. Every time we have a fight, we come out of the other side of it a little closer, and know each other a little better. At least that’s if we resolve the conflict, and don’t just sweep it under the carpet.

If you go through your whole marriage without any fights, you will certainly not have the depth of relationship that God desires for you and your spouse. It hurts at the time, and can be extremely messy, but in my opinion it is one of the most worthwhile things that can happen in a marriage.

So next time you have a fight with your spouse, remember that it’s helping you to have a better marriage, and it might not hurt quite as bad.

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About the author: By

Matt is the parent (along with his wife Julie) to five wonderful kids. He has been self-employed for 25+ years and is the owner of the How To Fix My Marriage website.

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  1. I got a good laugh from this post. Where you mention kinda sarcastically “And here was this smart-aleck counselor telling me he thought we should go through this 10,000 more times. Great.”

    I started laughing on that one. I was once married and fought often, usually about dumb stuff.

    One thing that I feel that is important to mention is that if your spouse becomes out of control with the personal insults. I don’t see how that is useful. I remember many times where my wife would say things that were not justified in the context of our arguing, and very hurtful personally.

    Attacking your mate personally is not necessary if you have a difference of opinion, if you really love them I don’t see how that serves any purpose.

    Just my thoughts.

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Disclaimer: We are not psychologists, counselors, or therapists. We are a married couple that has had their share of challenges, and the techniques, tools, and programs we recommend on this site have worked for us on our journey.

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