What is The Us Factor?
The Us Factor is a new product recently released by the same people who created the mega-popular parenting program called The Total Transformation, and from first glance it appears to be the same type of top-notch product that The Total Transformation is. It’s a product designed to show you how simple little changes can make big improvements in your marriage.
Who’s behind The Us Factor?
The creator of the Us Factor is Dr. Joseph Melnick, a licensed psychologist. Dr. Melnick is a couples and family therapist, organizational consultant and author of numerous articles and book chapters on intimacy, ethics and organizational dynamics.
Dr. Melnick has worked with couples in his private practice for over twenty years. He holds a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from the University of Cincinnati. Currently, he is Co-Chair of the Cape Cod Training Program and a board member of the Gestalt International Study Center. He is Editor-in-Chief of Gestalt Review, a publication that concentrates on the Gestalt approach to clinical, family, group and organizational topics.
Next post – How much does it cost, and what do you get?
Filed under Dr. Joseph Melnick, Marriage, The Us Factor Review 
One of the books we read several years ago was The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. The information we gained from The Five Love Languages has been very useful to us over the years because of the fact that it’s unlocked the secret of not only how Julie and I like to be loved, but also how we like to give love, which may or may not be the same way.
What are the Five Languages of Love?
The five languages of love are time, service, gifts, words, and touch. One of these “languages” is how each and every one of us feels loved and accepted. Sometimes, we can be “bi-lingual”, having 2 languages that are equally dominate, but not usually. What’s interesting is that sometimes it’s kind of hard to discern what exactly someone’s love language is. Let me give you an example…
Last month was Julie’s 50th birthday. I wanted to do something special for her and got together with her mom to come up with the plan of going to Pullman on Valentine’s Day for a Cougar Basketball Game. This was to be a time together for her and me with no kids allowed. I thought “what a great gift” and was super excited to give it to her. We had the whole weekend planned – game tickets, hotel, dinner, the works. Except for one very important detail – child care arrangements. I figured “no big deal”, I’d figure that out after I gave her the gift.
Well, although she liked the gift, it wasn’t perfect because of the fact that she had those child care issues hanging over her head. And that didn’t allow her to get excited. I had trouble understanding this, because my love language is time, and this was a gift that really spoke to that. Only problem – it wasn’t my present, it was hers! Sometimes, people give love in the same language as they receive love, and that doesn’t always work if the other person doesn’t have the same love language as you.
The Us Factor
We’ve recently been listening to the Us Factor by Dr. Joseph Melnick, a new marriage program designed to help make a marriage better (or save it altogether). One of the things Dr. Melnick encourages in his program is to really listen to your partner, and that’s exactly what I did.
We went out on date night, and had a good time. Toward the end of the evening, Julie said she wanted to talk to me about the birthday present, and I agreed to try, without getting too defensive. I tend to get childish sometimes when I think I’ve made a mistake, and I didn’t want to do that. As we talked through the issue, we came to the realization that although Julie also has the love language of time, she has one that is more important to her. What we determined was that it’s was very important for the child-care problem to be addressed, and that she didn’t have to do it for her to feel loved. I still didn’t quite get it, so I asked her what would have been a perfect gift.
The Perfect Gift
She thought for a minute, and said she really enjoyed it when we went out to dinner on her birthday night. I took the night off from work, and had all the kids get dressed up. We made a big deal out of it, and she didn’t have to do anything. The conclusion we came up with was that service seems to be her main love language, with time a close second. Service, in the way of someone sacrificing for her, as in me taking the time off and the kids getting dressed up. To prove that further, I had cleaned her car inside and out earlier that day (no small chore with 5 messy kids) and that really gave her that warm, fuzzy feeling.
So now, thanks to Dr. Melnick and The Five Love Languages, we know a little more about each other, and how to love each other up! I found this little five love languages test if you’re interested in trying to discover what your love language is. Plus, I highly recommend getting the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and working through it with your spouse.
Filed under Books and Resources, Gifts, Marriage, The Five Love Languages
As we grow older, we’re invited to more and more weddings of kids of our friends, and we’ve always had trouble deciding what would be a good wedding gift for them. What can we give them that’s creative, unique, special, and helpful. Plus, it would be an added bonus if it was an inexpensive wedding gift, too.
What to buy, what to buy?
We’re not the kind of people that like to go buy a blender from Target for a couple. That’s just so boring and predictable, and if there’s one thing we’re not, it’s predictable. We also don’t like to give them a gift card or money, because that gets spent and there’s no lasting value, usually. What we really want to give them is a creative wedding gift that will impact them for the rest of their lives, and we believe we’ve found something that will do just that.
One of the tools that we were introduced to by our counselor was a pair of books written by a husband and wife called For Men Only and For Women Only. These are little, 200 page books written to explain to a person how the opposite sex thinks about things. Boy, are they ever an eye-opener! The format is one in which they asked hundreds of people different questions about how they feel about a variety of subjects concerning the opposite sex and then tallied the results, thereby giving a consensus of feelings on that subject.
Include some instructions in the card!
The way we were told to use them was that we were to lay in bed after the day was done, and read to each other! First, the husband would read a chapter out of For Men Only, and then we would discuss what we’d read. The next night, or the next week, the wife would read a chapter out of For Women Only, and we would discuss that chapter. We’d ask each other questions like “Do you feel that way?” or “How strongly to you feel that way?” or “Do women (or men) really think like that???” For us, it gave us an idea about the inner workings of our spouses mind, and helped us to know each other better, which in turn helped us to get along better.
Some of chapters in For Men Only are “Your Real Job Is Closer to Home – How your provider/protector instinct can leave her feeling more unsafe and less cared for”, “Listening Is the Solution – Why her feeling about the problem is the problem, and how to fix your urge to fix”, and “With Sex, Her “No” Doesn’t Mean You – How her desires are impacted by her unique wiring, and why your ego shouldn’t be”.
A sample of For Women Only includes “Your Love is Not Enough – Why your respect means more to him than even your affection”, “Sex Changes Everything – Why sex unlocks a man’s emotions (Guess who holds the key?!)”, and “Keeper of the Visual Rolodex – Why it’s so natural for him to look and so hard to forget what he’s seen”.
Ouch!
Some of these chapters weren’t so easy to read, or listen to, but in the end they did a great deal of good for our marriage because they dispelled (or confirmed!) some myths that had been swirling around in our heads for years.
Our recommendation is the next time you are looking for a creative wedding gift, invest $20 in the future of the couple, and at the same time pick up a set for yourselves – you won’t be sorry you did!
Filed under Books and Resources, Gifts, Marriage, Wedding Gifts
One of the things that has probably helped our marriage more than anything is something very simple – Friday Night Date Night! If you’ve got kids, it’s important – no, it’s necessary – to have some alone time with your husband or wife. Unfortunately, that’s not always the easiest thing in the world – with the cost of going out on a date, plus having to pay a babysitter. Here’s the solution we’ve come up with, and it’s worked for us for many years.
We have five kids, ranging from 15 down to 9 years of age. We also happen to have some friends in a similar situation – they’ve got five also, though their range is a little younger. That’s the key to this whole system – friends in the same boat as you.
How’s it work?
What we do is quite simple – every Friday, one couple or the other has a date night. We alternate Fridays, and believe me, we very rarely miss. This is the way it works: On our date night, Julie will take the kids over to our friends’ house at 5:30. Kathlyn feeds the kids dinner – a big pot of spaghetti or something. After that, the kids will play with each other until about 9 when Kat brings them home to our house and puts them to bed, while Jeff puts their kids to bed. Then, Kathlyn will stay at our house until we get home, which is basically whenever we want to. When we get home, Kat goes home. The next week, we switch and they get their date night.
What’s the big deal?
This might seem really simple, but there is genius and beauty in the whole plan. Sometimes the best things are simple, right? Here are the reasons it works so well:
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You don’t have the problem of the babysitter bailing at the last minute – we never bail, because we know that our date night the next week depends on us taking them this week!
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You don’t have to pay the babysitter. 6 hours for 5 kids can run into some serious change.
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You don’t have to worry about having super-nanny for a babysitter – it’s pretty tough for a 13-year-old to handle 5 kids – but when you put the 2 families together they kind of babysit each other, and it’s not nearly as hard as it seems. Plus, we’ve got the experience to do it!
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Your babysitter doesn’t grow up and stop babysitting. Nothing worse than training a babysitter, only to have her get a boyfriend, or a life, and decide she’s out of the business.
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You don’t have to worry about phone calls. Stressing about what’s going on at home can suck the fun out of a date faster than you can say “Help!!!!”.
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You don’t have to take the babysitter home, or worse yet go get the kids at midnight, bring them home and put them to bed. Don’t I love looking forward to that when I’m having that romantic dinner with Julie!
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The house is always clean when we get here, since the kids weren’t here all night. So no getting up on Saturday to throw away pizza boxes and pop cans.
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Here’s a perk for the other mom – once Kat puts the kids to bed, she gets a little alone time – the chance to brew a big cup of tea and read a book or watch her favorite show.
So what now?
It’s getting to the point where the older ones can babysit the younger ones, but there are still the inevitable “Mom! Bobby won’t let me play Wii” phone calls, so we’ve stuck with our plan. Personally, I hope it goes on forever – at least until that last little monster (I mean bundle of joy) is out of the house!
So if you’re looking for a way to have some alone time with your honey, find another couple that’s as desperate as you and have them read this article!
Filed under Marriage, Marriage Tips
