How to Think the Best of My Spouse

How to Think the Best of My SpouseYears ago, I realized I needed to figure out how to think the best of my spouse. You see if something went wrong, I would immediately think the worst. He hates me, he has a girlfriend, he regrets marrying me or the biggie, he did this on purpose to hurt me! 

After a while, I realized that not only was that not fair to him or the situation, it was making matters way worse. So I decided something had to change. And for a while in my old thinking, I thought it had to be him. But then I realized my error and realized the only person I can change is ME! But where to start? When we fight, my thoughts seem to take a flight of their own. There is where I can start! I do not have to be captive to my thoughts. Some wise counselor told me it is called “stinking thinking”. Oh that did not feel so well.

How could I love a man enough to marry him, then at the first turn think he is this horrible monster?! Click like below if you feel what I am saying! The search began. Here is one article that is great in changing the thoughts around.

How to Think the Best of My Spouse

Write it down

Writing down exactly what is bombarding your thoughts can be a huge release. Writing it back into perspective. Naturally, when we worry and let our minds go, we run down many different “what if” bunny trails. When we put the facts down on paper, we can deal with what is real and what is at this point speculation. Pray over what you have written down.


When you catch yourself going down those trails, stop, take a breath and pray. God has promised that when we call on him he will answer, when we draw near to him, he will draw near to us. He will never leave us or forsake us, not matter how hard the circumstances are that we are facing on earth. Does that mean he will make it “all better”? No! God never promised that we wouldn’t face hard times, only that he would be with us through it all. We talk a great deal about prayer here, but truly we can never seek and lean on the Lord enough!

Talk to your hubby

Whether the worry involves him or not, talk to him about it. It is hard to be vulnerable and do so in the beginning, but once you make it a part of your daily marriage, you will find you cannot function without it. Share what your worries are. Even share with him what you wrote down. Own up to your part in the worrying. Ask his thoughts on how to move forward. Full article here.

The talk to your hubby part was huge! Instead of assuming I knew what he was thinking or why he was doing it, I asked him! Wow, was I ever off base in what I thought was going on.

As this was a journey of my change, I needed  some self adjusting. In Dana Adam Shapiro’s new book ‘You Can Be Right, or You Can Be Married’: Lessons for Marriage, Learned from Divorce’, there are some tips for change that was just what I was looking for.

1. Show your true self

“Accelerate the inevitable. Be yourself as quickly as possible because it’s all going to come out eventually. There’s no valor in putting on a brave face, it’s a mask like any other. Have the courage to be vulnerable.”

2. Be honest

“Telling the truth is so much easier—every lie requires a lifetime of maintenance.”

3. Be alert

“Don’t paint the red flags white. Complacency leads to avoidance, avoidance to withdrawal, withdrawal to resentment, resentment to adultery, and adultery to divorce.”

4. Fight Fair

“Getting along is easy; you need to learn how to fight fairly and productively.”

5. Make an effort

“Unconditional love is for children and pets. In romantic relationships, you have to earn it-and re-earn it-all the time. And that’s a good thing.” For more great info, click here.

Finally, in searching how to think the best of my spouse, we (yes, we!) did a group study called Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. It  was phenomenal in teaching me to think of my man as “a good-willed man”. So whenever the red flags go off and my thoughts start to wandering, I repeat that phrase to myself and get back on track. My marriage is the proof that this works. I recently called our marriage counselor and thanked him for helping us and shared our great present, which was celebrating our 24th wedding anniversary, and our great outlook!


About the author: By

Julie and Matt have been married for 23+ years and have the belly laughs and wrinkles to prove it! They are also awesome parents to five adopted kiddos and the owner of the How To Fix My Marriage website.

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Disclaimer: We are not psychologists, counselors, or therapists. We are a married couple that has had their share of challenges, and the techniques, tools, and programs we recommend on this site have worked for us on our journey.

Affiliate links may be used within this post for products we recommend. They in no way affect our judgment of said products, nor do they affect the price of the product.