In The Us Factor, Dr. Melnick talks about a sure way to cause your partner not to trust you. It’s called “The Yes…But”, and basically it goes like this: You start out saying something positive, then follow it up with something negative. Here are a couple of examples:

“Honey, I really liked the way you paid the bills this month, but I like to pay the car payment before I pay the credit card bill”.

Or “You did a great job helping little Jimmy with his homework tonight, but I wish you didn’t work so much so you could help him every night”.

Do you see how the second half of the sentence negates the first half? When you talk like that to someone, and if it gets to be a habit, the other person will become “in tune” to listening to the negative part, and not even hear the positive. They’ll feel that they are being manipulated, and a lot of time that’s true.

Some people feel that they need to start a difficult conversation with a positive statement, so that they don’t let the other person down too hard:

“You’re really a good person, but I can’t live with you anymore”. Ouch!

One way a couple can ease themselves into uncomfortable discussions is to prepare the ground. Ask your partner when they’ll be willing to set down and talk about a concern you have. Don’t surprise them with it.

In order to make a relationship work, you need to separate the good from the bad, or they’ll get mixed up. If you like the way your spouse did something, tell them. “I really like how you arranged the living room furniture”. If you don’t like it, then say “I don’t really like the furniture this way. Can we sit down and talk about it?”

Be prepared to give examples, but don’t blame or shame. Always speak with compassion and use “I feel” statements, and things will go much better. And remember – keep the positive and the negative separate!

We just watched the first actual training DVD for The Us Factor and we found it both interesting and helpful. First, here’s a little bit about what we learned about the program itself, then we’ll share our take on the actual content.

It appears that in the DVD’s, Dr. Melnick alternates between showing several different couples interacting in his office, and his review of what they talked about with an interviewer. This is a good format, because it allows the watchers to relate to what the couple on the DVD are saying, then hear what Dr. Melnick has to say about their problem. It appears to me that these are real couples, not just actors, though I can’t be sure of that. They are very believable.

First Things First

The way the course is set up is to watch the Day One DVD because it gives you an overview of the program and helps you learn some key concepts that will help you as you use the Us Factor and interact with your partner.

Or, if you’re having a particular problem in your relationship, such as conflicts about sexuality, money, or parenting, you can watch the DVD that addresses that issue. Otherwise, start from the beginning, which is what we did.

So here goes with highlights from DVD lesson 1A – Becoming Aware of the Habits in Your Relationship – Part 1.

This DVD addresses various habits in a relationship, and why it’s important to become aware of those habits. These are a few that are mentioned, and a little bit about them. I think he goes into more detail in later DVD’s about the individual habits, and gives you skills to better your relationship.

• Pursuer Distancer Relationship. This is the idea that one person pursues, and the other retreats, especially in the case of communicating. This is bad if it always goes one way, but good if it reverses sometimes.
• Me vs. We Relationship. There needs to be balance. It’s OK to put yourself first sometimes, just not all the time. Too much “we” on both sides equals no differentiation, which results in boredom. Dr. Melnick says an interesting thing that I’ve also heard in counseling. You have to fight or disagree sometimes. That’s all right, and working through the disagreements helps you to become closer to your partner. Our counselor said his hope for us was that we’d have 10,000 more fights! Because that’s how we get closer and feel safe, working through the arguments. It’s a trust thing – you will not hurt me in our disagreements.
• Projection. This means guessing what’s going on in your partner’s head. No good. Projection causes curiosity to dwindle. Also  known as assumption.
• Lawyer’s questions. This is an interesting one that can be quite deadly for intimacy. It’s asking a question that you already know the answer to, or that can only be answered in one way – the way you want it to be. He recommends you stay on your side of the line (or my counselor says your side of the street). Only say things that you feel or know, ask feeling questions, and if it’s a difficult subject, negotiate the conversation – when, how, etc. – so you don’t just spring it on the other person. Julie used to believe that planning was boring, love and all that comes with it should be spontaneous to be romantic. She now sees how that is faulty thinking or what she refers to as “soap opera” mentality. Spontaneous  has its place for sure, but so does planning in a healthy relationship.

This is just a small sample of what’s on DVD 1A. One phrase that really resonated with me was this: Relationships grow out of managing the hurt. I think that said a lot, and I’m looking forward to forging on through the Us Factor.

• One of the things that Dr. Melnick talks about in the Us Factor is staying on your own side of the line, or as our counselor says, staying on your own side of the street. Here’s an example of what this means, taken from our life just this morning!

One thing Matt and I have learned is how to stay off each other’s side of the street. Let me explain.

This morning I was going to go for a walk and was deciding if I should take my cell phone, our constantly ringing business line. I asked my honey when he was going to shower because if he wasn’t going to until I came back, he could answer the phone, otherwise it was coming with me. He said “right away” and I said “ok I will take my phone”. Then (pay attention here) he said “well I can wait until you get back and answer your phone.”

Now that all sounds like he’s being kind, right? Wrong. I didn’t ask him to make my decision, I just needed facts so I could make it. If I decided I really didn’t want to take my phone, I would have then asked him (hopefully as I struggle with being passive/aggressive!!!) if he would mind waiting. His telling me to go was being on my side of the street and I felt like I was being parented.

Thankfully, we backed up, laughed and I asked him if he wouldn’t mind waiting.  And he graciously agreed.  He also could have asked me if I wanted him to wait, still my decision. We’re all adults here!

As we work through the Us Factor Program, I thought it would be useful to write a little review of the Workbook, so you know what that particular piece of the program is like.

The workbook is 232 pages, and it contains recaps or summaries of every one of the DVD sessions. It shows pictures of the different couples that are featured in the session, and it has a transcript of the dialogue between them. In addition, it also summarizes Dr. Melnick’s advice on the particular subject.

The one thing that the workbook has that the DVD’s don’t have is what he calls “Awareness Exercises”. At the end of most sections is a little exercise for the couple to do so they can internalize the lesson.

 For example, there is a section called “Top Dog – Underdog” that concerns two roles that partners take in a relationship. One partner takes on the role of the organizer, the planner, the one who makes things happen. This is the “top dog”, the responsible one who focuses on shoulds and should nots, the rule maker. The other partner is the Underdog – the one who doesn’t follow the rules and wants quick fun and satisfaction.

The lesson in the workbook describes this kind of behavior, it shows a transcript of a couple acting this out, and has an awareness exercise. In the exercise, the couple sits across from each other, and they have a conversation in which one becomes the “top dog” and the other becomes the “underdog”. The top dog talks about the “shoulds” and “should nots” and stays primarily focused on the future. The underdog talks about the “I wants” and the “let’s do’s” and focuses mainly on the present. Once you’ve had the conversation for a little while, you talk about how it feels to be in that role.

Then, you reverse the roles and have a conversation in the opposite role, and after that discuss what it was like to reverse the roles.

I really like this part of the workbook, because it gives you a chance to “role play” and see how the other person feels.

It almost seems to me that you could just go through the workbook and not have to watch the DVD’s except for one very important thing: it’s good to see the couples interact in person, as it helps you to relate to what’s going on. Plus, Dr. Melnick goes into more detail in the DVD lesson. Therefore, I think it’s important while going through The Us Factor to follow his instructions, that is to watch the DVD, then go through that section of the workbook that pertains to the DVD, doing the awareness exercises as you encounter them.

What exactly does the Us Factor teach you? In other words, what kind of information do you get?

As we review this product, and go through it ourselves, we’ll continue to add posts to this category. We’ve just finished watching the first DVD, and I can truthfully say I’m impressed and excited to see more. The Day One DVD is an Introduction to the Us Factor, and it pretty much mirrors much of what I’ve learned in counseling. One of the first things we noticed was that Dr. Melnick has the couples facing each other and not him – this might not seem like a big deal, but I think it goes to show that he’s concerned with them working together, not working through him. Subtle, but important.

His philosophy comes out right away – small changes can make a big difference in your marriage, and marriage is an ongoing event where you have to practice skills to succeed. The goal of the Us Factor is to teach us those skills. He gives an example of a teenager driving a car – you’re not just going to give them the keys and say “Go at it!” You’re going to teach them the skills they need first, then send them out into the world. Marriage is the same way. All too often, we get into marriage because of love, then when the love fades, we don’t have the skills to keep it going. These skills are what we’re going to learn from Dr. Melnick.

He continues the analogy of the car-driving teenager – love is like driving from Maine to California – when it starts you get lucky and get all the way there without any problems. But when you start to come back to Maine, that’s when you run into storms, bad roads, and everything else that can hamper your trip. It’s now that you need the skills you learned in driving school!

This is just a taste of what’s discussed in the first DVD. From one with experience, I think the Us Factor is going to be a great product to help people save their marriage, or make it better.