I’ve recently been attending an adult Sunday School class at our church where we’ve been working our way through the Love and Respect DVD series by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. This DVD series has been a real eye-opener to both me and my wife, and it’s really helped us to identify some problems in our marriage and start to correct them.
The premise of the Love and Respect DVD (and of the Love and Respect Book for that matter) is that women need love and men need respect, mainly. This is not to say that women don’t need respect, and men don’t need love, it’s just that the way women and men are wired, these are their primary needs to feel fulfilled in their marriage.
The Love and Respect DVD starts out by talking about what Emerson Eggerichs calls “The Crazy Cycle”. The way this works is that without love the wife reacts without respect, and without respect the husband reacts without love, and without love she reacts without respect, and without respect he reacts without love, and on and on and on. It’s a cycle we get into as couples and it can be very, very destructive to a marriage.
Dr. Eggerichs goes on to talk about out to change “The Crazy Cycle” to “The Energizing Cycle”, which says the husband’s love motivates the wife’s respect, which motivates the husband’s love, which motivates the wife’s respect, and on and on and on. This is the cycle we want to get on in our marriage, and he gives us the tools to do that. It’s not really that hard.
Dr. Eggerichs also talks about how men and women see, say, and hear things differently. He says women see through pink sunglasses, hear through pink hearing aids, and speak through pink megaphones. Men see through blue sunglasses, hear through blue hearing aids, and speak through blue megaphones. He also says this is not bad, it’s how God created men and women. He says the way each of us think is not wrong, just different.
I find the Love and Respect DVD to be extremely insightful and accurate. Many marriage tools are more general and don’t offer that much help. Dr. Eggerichs is hilarious in his way of presenting the material and he really drives the point home well. My opinion is the DVD series and/or book are essential resources for all couples.
Filed under Books and Resources, Love and Respect, Marriage, Marriage Tips 
Last night, I watched the season premiere of Jon and Kate Plus 8. Since then, I have been very reflective on the hurt and anger exhibited by all. And I must say, they have seemed to reach a crossroads in their marriage. I must also say I disagree with Jon about the kids being “fine” if they, Jon and Kate, present themselves as a team and love them. And I also disagree with Kate’s remark, the kids don’t know what is going on (oh, they know!). In my humble opinion, the best thing you can do for your children is love and work through your differences with your spouse. As a child of divorce, it is very seldom that anyone wins or comes out fine. If they really are thinking of the kids, a viable answer here is work on the marriage. And I do speak from experience.
Three years ago, after 17 years of marriage, it appeared ours was headed for destruction. We had reached a point in which Matt wanted no more and I didn’t know what was happening or what to do. Don’t get me wrong here, I too knew there were serious issues, but we had limped and patched along for 17 years so what’s the biggie now? We too were at a crossroads. In a moment of desperation and fear, I threw out “let’s get counseling, if not for us for our kid’s sake”. Matt, thankfully, reluctantly agreed. And what happened then was astonishing.
We learned that the very basis of our problems started with our horrible communication skills. I was able to see how my “parenting” (yuck!) style of communication was belittling and demeaning. I had recognized this in other women, including Kate, but not in myself. I was broken and saddened.
Matt (if I may be so bold) saw how his choice to withdraw and not communicate in these situations did not help but added to the hurt. And it accumulated and accumulated until he was ready to burst and the only way to make it stop, leave. He felt empowered when he found his voice. This too is common among men. Some, like Jon, find their voice and say “goodbye”. Some, like Matt, find their voice and say how they are feeling and why.
Then we learned the next big lesson, listening. And I had to do a lot of that and try not to be defensive. And we both, had to CHANGE. Because we were living out the definition of insanity in that we had been doing the same thing over and over and hoping for a different result.
There is more to this story, of course. I have only addressed the symptoms of the underlying problems here. And these things we have and still are facing and addressing both individually and together. This is important to healing and growing stronger together because without it the above is just bandaids.
Yep, they are at a crossroads. I hope and pray that their desire for their kids is real enough for them to jump off the treadmill their marriage has been on and into help that will prove their actions speak louder than their words.
Filed under Marriage, Marriage Tips
In The Us Factor, Dr. Melnick talks about a sure way to cause your partner not to trust you. It’s called “The Yes…But”, and basically it goes like this: You start out saying something positive, then follow it up with something negative. Here are a couple of examples:
“Honey, I really liked the way you paid the bills this month, but I like to pay the car payment before I pay the credit card bill”.
Or “You did a great job helping little Jimmy with his homework tonight, but I wish you didn’t work so much so you could help him every night”.
Do you see how the second half of the sentence negates the first half? When you talk like that to someone, and if it gets to be a habit, the other person will become “in tune” to listening to the negative part, and not even hear the positive. They’ll feel that they are being manipulated, and a lot of time that’s true.
Some people feel that they need to start a difficult conversation with a positive statement, so that they don’t let the other person down too hard:
“You’re really a good person, but I can’t live with you anymore”. Ouch!
One way a couple can ease themselves into uncomfortable discussions is to prepare the ground. Ask your partner when they’ll be willing to set down and talk about a concern you have. Don’t surprise them with it.
In order to make a relationship work, you need to separate the good from the bad, or they’ll get mixed up. If you like the way your spouse did something, tell them. “I really like how you arranged the living room furniture”. If you don’t like it, then say “I don’t really like the furniture this way. Can we sit down and talk about it?”
Be prepared to give examples, but don’t blame or shame. Always speak with compassion and use “I feel” statements, and things will go much better. And remember – keep the positive and the negative separate!
Filed under Dr. Joseph Melnick, Marriage, Marriage Tips, Relationship habits, The Us Factor Review
- One of the things that Dr. Melnick talks about in the Us Factor is staying on your own side of the line, or as our counselor says, staying on your own side of the street. Here’s an example of what this means, taken from our life just this morning!
One thing Matt and I have learned is how to stay off each other’s side of the street. Let me explain.
This morning I was going to go for a walk and was deciding if I should take my cell phone, our constantly ringing business line. I asked my honey when he was going to shower because if he wasn’t going to until I came back, he could answer the phone, otherwise it was coming with me. He said “right away” and I said “ok I will take my phone”. Then (pay attention here) he said “well I can wait until you get back and answer your phone.”
Now that all sounds like he’s being kind, right? Wrong. I didn’t ask him to make my decision, I just needed facts so I could make it. If I decided I really didn’t want to take my phone, I would have then asked him (hopefully as I struggle with being passive/aggressive!!!) if he would mind waiting. His telling me to go was being on my side of the street and I felt like I was being parented.
Thankfully, we backed up, laughed and I asked him if he wouldn’t mind waiting. And he graciously agreed. He also could have asked me if I wanted him to wait, still my decision. We’re all adults here!
Filed under Dr. Joseph Melnick, Marriage, Marriage Tips, Relationship habits, The Us Factor Review
As we work through the Us Factor Program, I thought it would be useful to write a little review of the Workbook, so you know what that particular piece of the program is like.
The workbook is 232 pages, and it contains recaps or summaries of every one of the DVD sessions. It shows pictures of the different couples that are featured in the session, and it has a transcript of the dialogue between them. In addition, it also summarizes Dr. Melnick’s advice on the particular subject.
The one thing that the workbook has that the DVD’s don’t have is what he calls “Awareness Exercises”. At the end of most sections is a little exercise for the couple to do so they can internalize the lesson.
For example, there is a section called “Top Dog – Underdog” that concerns two roles that partners take in a relationship. One partner takes on the role of the organizer, the planner, the one who makes things happen. This is the “top dog”, the responsible one who focuses on shoulds and should nots, the rule maker. The other partner is the Underdog – the one who doesn’t follow the rules and wants quick fun and satisfaction.
The lesson in the workbook describes this kind of behavior, it shows a transcript of a couple acting this out, and has an awareness exercise. In the exercise, the couple sits across from each other, and they have a conversation in which one becomes the “top dog” and the other becomes the “underdog”. The top dog talks about the “shoulds” and “should nots” and stays primarily focused on the future. The underdog talks about the “I wants” and the “let’s do’s” and focuses mainly on the present. Once you’ve had the conversation for a little while, you talk about how it feels to be in that role.
Then, you reverse the roles and have a conversation in the opposite role, and after that discuss what it was like to reverse the roles.
I really like this part of the workbook, because it gives you a chance to “role play” and see how the other person feels.
It almost seems to me that you could just go through the workbook and not have to watch the DVD’s except for one very important thing: it’s good to see the couples interact in person, as it helps you to relate to what’s going on. Plus, Dr. Melnick goes into more detail in the DVD lesson. Therefore, I think it’s important while going through The Us Factor to follow his instructions, that is to watch the DVD, then go through that section of the workbook that pertains to the DVD, doing the awareness exercises as you encounter them.
