The blame game! We know what it is and we know how to do it. There is no denying it. This little maneuver can be destructive at best and show stopping at worst.

Why? Why do we blame our spouse? Well there are a couple of reasons. First, it is easier to see another’s faults instead of our own. So many times, I have heard a couple go into counseling with at least one of them saying, “I will go to help them”. Well the good news is IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO. No marriage problems are only one person’s problem. I am not saying fault, I am saying problem. If your spouse has been unfaithful, they are responsible for their behavior, and this has now become a marriage problem that both spouses must invest  in to it to fix.

Second, blame is a way to discharge pain and discomfort. This really ties to #1 because it is painful to be introspective. And it takes effort, honesty and humility. Those cause discomfort. Much easier to not even go there.

What? What does blaming look like? That is easy – You did this, You didn’t do this, You forgot, You said, You, You, You! Whenever you hear this word repeatedly in a “discussion” with your spouse, red flags need to be waving! This is commonly referred to by our marriage therapist as “being on their side of the street”. Now hear me here, you can name the behavior (you forgot to pick up the kids) but you cannot say why they did that. This is called assuming and we are not mind readers.

How? Ok we know the why and the what, but how do we handle an argument without blaming. Try this for starters.

1. If  there is a behavior behind the problem, name it.
2. Then, tell them how their behavior made you feel. Not “when you forget to let the dog in last night and I had to, I know you did that on purpose and it made me feel mad”. (see the you in the 2nd part, the your feeling part).
3. Then listen. Without any presuppositions. Listen and repeat back what you heard to be sure you got it.
4. Don’t be afraid to start #1 in the middle of an argument gone sideways.

Let me give you an example – “when you didn’t lock the doors last night, I felt unsafe”. This hopefully starts the ball rolling without defenses up right from the get go.

This takes practice and I promise you, there will be ample opportunities for that!

About the author: By Julie Hellstrom

Julie and Matt have been married for 23+ years and have the belly laughs and wrinkles to prove it! They are also awesome parents to five adopted kiddos and the owner of the How To Fix My Marriage website.

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The fact that you’re looking at this website probably means that you’re desperate for answers and help on how to fix your marriage. If you’re at that point, please do yourself a favor – click here now for the help you need to fix your marriage!

20 years ago I was in crisis – my wife of six months had been staying at a friend’s house for three days because we’d been fighting for the umpteenth time, and I had to do something. So I loaded up all of her stuff in the back of my truck and drove over to where she was staying and dumped it in the front yard. This got the ball moving – her friend kicked her out and she went to a motel. The next day, we had 2 options on which way to go – we could have split right then and there, or we could try to work it out.

Fortunately, we chose option number 2, and I’m glad we did. Has it been easy? No. Are we fixed and blissfully happy all the time? No. Have we learned to work through our problems? We’re getting there. But we’re both committed to our marriage, and hopefully you are too.

What did we do?

Back then, there weren’t as many tools to help you fix your marriage as there are now. There was counseling – which we started immediately, and still use from time to time. We found a tape set by Gary Smalley that helped us a lot. We bought The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. We bought the book Boundaries. Each of these things helped us a little – they all added up to us still being together, and we’re now happily married and just celebrated our 20th anniversary. Do we still have problems? You bet! But we’ve got the tools to work through them.

There is a new program out called the Us Factor, and it’s helped many couples in the same situation as you to get their marriage back. The philosophy of this program is that little changes can make a big difference. Same thing we had to do way back when, but much easier. Some of the DVD titles are “Broken Promises and Disappointment”, “Resentment and Realignment”, “Feel the Sparks – Sex & Intimacy”,” You, Me and Money”, “You, Me and Sex”, and “Getting Out of the Marital Rut”.

If any of these titles sound like the problem you’re dealing with – maybe they all sound familiar – then take a look at The Us Factor right now! There is no risk – you can try it free for 30 days and send it back if it doesn’t help. What have you got to lose – other than your marriage!

Want more information? Read our Us Factor Review and we’ll tell you how it’s helped us.

About the author: By Matt Hellstrom

Matt is the parent (along with his wife Julie) to five wonderful kids. He has been self-employed for 25+ years and is the owner of the How To Fix My Marriage website.

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I’ve recently been attending an adult Sunday School class at our church where we’ve been working our way through the Love and Respect DVD series by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. This DVD series has been a real eye-opener to both me and my wife, and it’s really helped us to identify some problems in our marriage and start to correct them.

The premise of the Love and Respect DVD (and of the Love and Respect Book for that matter) is that women need love and men need respect, mainly. This is not to say that women don’t need respect, and men don’t need love, it’s just that the way women and men are wired, these are their primary needs to feel fulfilled in their marriage.

The Love and Respect DVD starts out by talking about what Emerson Eggerichs calls “The Crazy Cycle”. The way this works is that without love the wife reacts without respect, and without respect the husband reacts without love, and without love she reacts without respect, and without respect he reacts without love, and on and on and on. It’s a cycle we get into as couples and it can be very, very destructive to a marriage.

Dr. Eggerichs goes on to talk about out to change “The Crazy Cycle” to “The Energizing Cycle”, which says the husband’s love motivates the wife’s respect, which motivates the husband’s love, which motivates the wife’s respect, and on and on and on. This is the cycle we want to get on in our marriage, and he gives us the tools to do that. It’s not really that hard.

Dr. Eggerichs also talks about how men and women see, say, and hear things differently. He says women see through pink sunglasses, hear through pink hearing aids, and speak through pink megaphones. Men see through blue sunglasses, hear through blue hearing aids, and speak through blue megaphones. He also says this is not bad, it’s how God created men and women. He says the way each of us think is not wrong, just different.

I find the Love and Respect DVD to be extremely insightful and accurate. Many marriage tools are more general and don’t offer that much help. Dr. Eggerichs is hilarious in his way of presenting the material and he really drives the point home well. My opinion is the DVD series and/or book are essential resources for all couples. Click here to read the product information, and don’t forget to read the reviews you’ll find there.  It would also make a great wedding present. In fact, there is nothing better that you can give a couple just starting out.

About the author: By Matt Hellstrom

Matt is the parent (along with his wife Julie) to five wonderful kids. He has been self-employed for 25+ years and is the owner of the How To Fix My Marriage website.

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In The Us Factor, Dr. Melnick talks about a sure way to cause your partner not to trust you. It’s called “The Yes…But”, and basically it goes like this: You start out saying something positive, then follow it up with something negative. Here are a couple of examples:

“Honey, I really liked the way you paid the bills this month, but I like to pay the car payment before I pay the credit card bill”.

Or “You did a great job helping little Jimmy with his homework tonight, but I wish you didn’t work so much so you could help him every night”.

Do you see how the second half of the sentence negates the first half? When you talk like that to someone, and if it gets to be a habit, the other person will become “in tune” to listening to the negative part, and not even hear the positive. They’ll feel that they are being manipulated, and a lot of time that’s true.

Some people feel that they need to start a difficult conversation with a positive statement, so that they don’t let the other person down too hard:

“You’re really a good person, but I can’t live with you anymore”. Ouch!

One way a couple can ease themselves into uncomfortable discussions is to prepare the ground. Ask your partner when they’ll be willing to set down and talk about a concern you have. Don’t surprise them with it.

In order to make a relationship work, you need to separate the good from the bad, or they’ll get mixed up. If you like the way your spouse did something, tell them. “I really like how you arranged the living room furniture”. If you don’t like it, then say “I don’t really like the furniture this way. Can we sit down and talk about it?”

Be prepared to give examples, but don’t blame or shame. Always speak with compassion and use “I feel” statements, and things will go much better. And remember – keep the positive and the negative separate!

About the author: By Matt Hellstrom

Matt is the parent (along with his wife Julie) to five wonderful kids. He has been self-employed for 25+ years and is the owner of the How To Fix My Marriage website.

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One of the relationship habits that Dr. Joseph Melnick talks about The Us Factor is “characterizations”. Characterizing someone means “typecasting” them in a certain kind of role, and not allowing them to change. The example Dr. Melnick uses is how child actors are typecast as child actors, and it’s really hard for them to break out of that role. Once you see them a certain way, it’s hard to imagine them playing any other role. Bob Denver comes to mind to me (I know, I’m dating myself, but I’m sure some of you remember!) Once he had the role of Gilligan, it’s hard to see him in any other role, especially a serious one. He was typecast as Gilligan.

One of the things that we do as couples is typecast our husband or wife and not look at them as they are today. When was the last time you really looked at or heard your partner? That may sound silly, but I’ve noticed that unless I consciously make an effort to appreciate my wife, it’s easy to just go along, doing my daily things, and not really pay much attention to her.

Ecclesiastes 8:9

Recently, I was reading the book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible, and it struck me that this wasn’t the depressing, hopeless book that I thought it was in the past. I’d always kind of ignored it because I thought it was kind of a downer, really (sorry God!) However, as I read through it last month, I stumbled on the following verse:

Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun.

Now, I’m not exactly sure what this verse is supposed to mean, but the way I took it was just this: I’m to enjoy my wife, and my life, and to do to the best of my ability what God has given me to do. When I started thinking about it, I realized that I complain a lot, and don’t find joy in what God has given me. It helped me to start looking at Julie in a new way, in a way that I hadn’t seen her since we first met. I started noticing some things that attracted me to her that I’d been overlooking lately. Like her eyes – she has the most incredible eyes in the world, kind of a clear-gray-blue color that is absolutely breathtaking. Well, a few weeks ago I really took a close look at those eyes again, and thought “Wow! What a beautiful woman God has given me to share my life with!”

People Change

In the Us Factor, Dr. Melnick encourages us to realize that our partner is changing every day, and to not respond to your partner as they were 10 years ago – it’s not only wrong to do, it’s also inaccurate. People change. He encourages us to ask ourselves “How is my partner different today?” and notice what is different about them. Then, ask them questions about the things that you notice that are different. I think this is a great thing to try, and a good way to add some interest to your marriage again. Try it!

About the author: By Matt Hellstrom

Matt is the parent (along with his wife Julie) to five wonderful kids. He has been self-employed for 25+ years and is the owner of the How To Fix My Marriage website.

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