I’ve recently been attending an adult Sunday School class at our church where we’ve been working our way through the Love and Respect DVD series by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. This DVD series has been a real eye-opener to both me and my wife, and it’s really helped us to identify some problems in our marriage and start to correct them.
The premise of the Love and Respect DVD (and of the Love and Respect Book for that matter) is that women need love and men need respect, mainly. This is not to say that women don’t need respect, and men don’t need love, it’s just that the way women and men are wired, these are their primary needs to feel fulfilled in their marriage.
The Love and Respect DVD starts out by talking about what Emerson Eggerichs calls “The Crazy Cycle”. The way this works is that without love the wife reacts without respect, and without respect the husband reacts without love, and without love she reacts without respect, and without respect he reacts without love, and on and on and on. It’s a cycle we get into as couples and it can be very, very destructive to a marriage.
Dr. Eggerichs goes on to talk about out to change “The Crazy Cycle” to “The Energizing Cycle”, which says the husband’s love motivates the wife’s respect, which motivates the husband’s love, which motivates the wife’s respect, and on and on and on. This is the cycle we want to get on in our marriage, and he gives us the tools to do that. It’s not really that hard.
Dr. Eggerichs also talks about how men and women see, say, and hear things differently. He says women see through pink sunglasses, hear through pink hearing aids, and speak through pink megaphones. Men see through blue sunglasses, hear through blue hearing aids, and speak through blue megaphones. He also says this is not bad, it’s how God created men and women. He says the way each of us think is not wrong, just different.
I find the Love and Respect DVD to be extremely insightful and accurate. Many marriage tools are more general and don’t offer that much help. Dr. Eggerichs is hilarious in his way of presenting the material and he really drives the point home well. My opinion is the DVD series and/or book are essential resources for all couples. Click here to read the product information, and don’t forget to read the reviews you’ll find there. It would also make a great wedding present. In fact, there is nothing better that you can give a couple just starting out.
Filed under Books and Resources, Love and Respect, Marriage, Marriage Tips 
We just watched the first actual training DVD for The Us Factor and we found it both interesting and helpful. First, here’s a little bit about what we learned about the program itself, then we’ll share our take on the actual content.
It appears that in the DVD’s, Dr. Melnick alternates between showing several different couples interacting in his office, and his review of what they talked about with an interviewer. This is a good format, because it allows the watchers to relate to what the couple on the DVD are saying, then hear what Dr. Melnick has to say about their problem. It appears to me that these are real couples, not just actors, though I can’t be sure of that. They are very believable.
First Things First
The way the course is set up is to watch the Day One DVD because it gives you an overview of the program and helps you learn some key concepts that will help you as you use the Us Factor and interact with your partner.
Or, if you’re having a particular problem in your relationship, such as conflicts about sexuality, money, or parenting, you can watch the DVD that addresses that issue. Otherwise, start from the beginning, which is what we did.
So here goes with highlights from DVD lesson 1A – Becoming Aware of the Habits in Your Relationship – Part 1.
This DVD addresses various habits in a relationship, and why it’s important to become aware of those habits. These are a few that are mentioned, and a little bit about them. I think he goes into more detail in later DVD’s about the individual habits, and gives you skills to better your relationship.
-
Pursuer Distancer Relationship. This is the idea that one person pursues, and the other retreats, especially in the case of communicating. This is bad if it always goes one way, but good if it reverses sometimes.
-
Me vs. We Relationship. There needs to be balance. It’s OK to put yourself first sometimes, just not all the time. Too much “we” on both sides equals no differentiation, which results in boredom. Dr. Melnick says an interesting thing that I’ve also heard in counseling. You have to fight or disagree sometimes. That’s all right, and working through the disagreements helps you to become closer to your partner. Our counselor said his hope for us was that we’d have 10,000 more fights! Because that’s how we get closer and feel safe, working through the arguments. It’s a trust thing – you will not hurt me in our disagreements.
-
Projection. This means guessing what’s going on in your partner’s head. No good. Projection causes curiosity to dwindle. Also known as assumption.
-
Lawyer’s questions. This is an interesting one that can be quite deadly for intimacy. It’s asking a question that you already know the answer to, or that can only be answered in one way – the way you want it to be. He recommends you stay on your side of the line (or my counselor says your side of the street). Only say things that you feel or know, ask feeling questions, and if it’s a difficult subject, negotiate the conversation – when, how, etc. – so you don’t just spring it on the other person. Julie used to believe that planning was boring, love and all that comes with it should be spontaneous to be romantic. She now sees how that is faulty thinking or what she refers to as “soap opera” mentality. Spontaneous has its place for sure, but so does planning in a healthy relationship.
This is just a small sample of what’s on DVD 1A. One phrase that really resonated with me was this: Relationships grow out of managing the hurt. I think that said a lot, and I’m looking forward to forging on through the Us Factor.
Filed under Books and Resources, Dr. Joseph Melnick, Marriage, The Us Factor Review
As we work through the Us Factor Program, I thought it would be useful to write a little review of the Workbook, so you know what that particular piece of the program is like.
The workbook is 232 pages, and it contains recaps or summaries of every one of the DVD sessions. It shows pictures of the different couples that are featured in the session, and it has a transcript of the dialogue between them. In addition, it also summarizes Dr. Melnick’s advice on the particular subject.
The one thing that the workbook has that the DVD’s don’t have is what he calls “Awareness Exercises”. At the end of most sections is a little exercise for the couple to do so they can internalize the lesson.
For example, there is a section called “Top Dog – Underdog” that concerns two roles that partners take in a relationship. One partner takes on the role of the organizer, the planner, the one who makes things happen. This is the “top dog”, the responsible one who focuses on shoulds and should nots, the rule maker. The other partner is the Underdog – the one who doesn’t follow the rules and wants quick fun and satisfaction.
The lesson in the workbook describes this kind of behavior, it shows a transcript of a couple acting this out, and has an awareness exercise. In the exercise, the couple sits across from each other, and they have a conversation in which one becomes the “top dog” and the other becomes the “underdog”. The top dog talks about the “shoulds” and “should nots” and stays primarily focused on the future. The underdog talks about the “I wants” and the “let’s do’s” and focuses mainly on the present. Once you’ve had the conversation for a little while, you talk about how it feels to be in that role.
Then, you reverse the roles and have a conversation in the opposite role, and after that discuss what it was like to reverse the roles.
I really like this part of the workbook, because it gives you a chance to “role play” and see how the other person feels.
It almost seems to me that you could just go through the workbook and not have to watch the DVD’s except for one very important thing: it’s good to see the couples interact in person, as it helps you to relate to what’s going on. Plus, Dr. Melnick goes into more detail in the DVD lesson. Therefore, I think it’s important while going through The Us Factor to follow his instructions, that is to watch the DVD, then go through that section of the workbook that pertains to the DVD, doing the awareness exercises as you encounter them.
One of the books we read several years ago was The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. The information we gained from The Five Love Languages has been very useful to us over the years because of the fact that it’s unlocked the secret of not only how Julie and I like to be loved, but also how we like to give love, which may or may not be the same way.
What are the Five Languages of Love?
The five languages of love are time, service, gifts, words, and touch. One of these “languages” is how each and every one of us feels loved and accepted. Sometimes, we can be “bi-lingual”, having 2 languages that are equally dominate, but not usually. What’s interesting is that sometimes it’s kind of hard to discern what exactly someone’s love language is. Let me give you an example…
Last month was Julie’s 50th birthday. I wanted to do something special for her and got together with her mom to come up with the plan of going to Pullman on Valentine’s Day for a Cougar Basketball Game. This was to be a time together for her and me with no kids allowed. I thought “what a great gift” and was super excited to give it to her. We had the whole weekend planned – game tickets, hotel, dinner, the works. Except for one very important detail – child care arrangements. I figured “no big deal”, I’d figure that out after I gave her the gift.
Well, although she liked the gift, it wasn’t perfect because of the fact that she had those child care issues hanging over her head. And that didn’t allow her to get excited. I had trouble understanding this, because my love language is time, and this was a gift that really spoke to that. Only problem – it wasn’t my present, it was hers! Sometimes, people give love in the same language as they receive love, and that doesn’t always work if the other person doesn’t have the same love language as you.
The Us Factor
We’ve recently been listening to the Us Factor by Dr. Joseph Melnick, a new marriage program designed to help make a marriage better (or save it altogether). One of the things Dr. Melnick encourages in his program is to really listen to your partner, and that’s exactly what I did.
We went out on date night, and had a good time. Toward the end of the evening, Julie said she wanted to talk to me about the birthday present, and I agreed to try, without getting too defensive. I tend to get childish sometimes when I think I’ve made a mistake, and I didn’t want to do that. As we talked through the issue, we came to the realization that although Julie also has the love language of time, she has one that is more important to her. What we determined was that it’s was very important for the child-care problem to be addressed, and that she didn’t have to do it for her to feel loved. I still didn’t quite get it, so I asked her what would have been a perfect gift.
The Perfect Gift
She thought for a minute, and said she really enjoyed it when we went out to dinner on her birthday night. I took the night off from work, and had all the kids get dressed up. We made a big deal out of it, and she didn’t have to do anything. The conclusion we came up with was that service seems to be her main love language, with time a close second. Service, in the way of someone sacrificing for her, as in me taking the time off and the kids getting dressed up. To prove that further, I had cleaned her car inside and out earlier that day (no small chore with 5 messy kids) and that really gave her that warm, fuzzy feeling.
So now, thanks to Dr. Melnick and The Five Love Languages, we know a little more about each other, and how to love each other up! I found this little five love languages test if you’re interested in trying to discover what your love language is. Plus, I highly recommend getting the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and working through it with your spouse.
Filed under Books and Resources, Gifts, Marriage, The Five Love Languages
As we grow older, we’re invited to more and more weddings of kids of our friends, and we’ve always had trouble deciding what would be a good wedding gift for them. What can we give them that’s creative, unique, special, and helpful. Plus, it would be an added bonus if it was an inexpensive wedding gift, too.
What to buy, what to buy?
We’re not the kind of people that like to go buy a blender from Target for a couple. That’s just so boring and predictable, and if there’s one thing we’re not, it’s predictable. We also don’t like to give them a gift card or money, because that gets spent and there’s no lasting value, usually. What we really want to give them is a creative wedding gift that will impact them for the rest of their lives, and we believe we’ve found something that will do just that.
One of the tools that we were introduced to by our counselor was a pair of books written by a husband and wife called For Men Only and For Women Only. These are little, 200 page books written to explain to a person how the opposite sex thinks about things. Boy, are they ever an eye-opener! The format is one in which they asked hundreds of people different questions about how they feel about a variety of subjects concerning the opposite sex and then tallied the results, thereby giving a consensus of feelings on that subject.
Include some instructions in the card!
The way we were told to use them was that we were to lay in bed after the day was done, and read to each other! First, the husband would read a chapter out of For Men Only, and then we would discuss what we’d read. The next night, or the next week, the wife would read a chapter out of For Women Only, and we would discuss that chapter. We’d ask each other questions like “Do you feel that way?” or “How strongly to you feel that way?” or “Do women (or men) really think like that???” For us, it gave us an idea about the inner workings of our spouses mind, and helped us to know each other better, which in turn helped us to get along better.
Some of chapters in For Men Only are “Your Real Job Is Closer to Home – How your provider/protector instinct can leave her feeling more unsafe and less cared for”, “Listening Is the Solution – Why her feeling about the problem is the problem, and how to fix your urge to fix”, and “With Sex, Her “No” Doesn’t Mean You – How her desires are impacted by her unique wiring, and why your ego shouldn’t be”.
A sample of For Women Only includes “Your Love is Not Enough – Why your respect means more to him than even your affection”, “Sex Changes Everything – Why sex unlocks a man’s emotions (Guess who holds the key?!)”, and “Keeper of the Visual Rolodex – Why it’s so natural for him to look and so hard to forget what he’s seen”.
Ouch!
Some of these chapters weren’t so easy to read, or listen to, but in the end they did a great deal of good for our marriage because they dispelled (or confirmed!) some myths that had been swirling around in our heads for years.
Our recommendation is the next time you are looking for a creative wedding gift, invest $20 in the future of the couple, and at the same time pick up a set for yourselves – you won’t be sorry you did!
Filed under Books and Resources, Gifts, Marriage, Wedding Gifts
